TO MARGARET DENEKE: On the death of her husband, Paul Benecke, Lewis’s old history tutor and a Fellow at Magdalen College.
3 October 1944
It
will give me great pleasure to come to lunch at one o’clock on Oct.
30th. I will not try to express my sympathy to Miss Benecke when we
meet—such things are often merely embarrassing. You, I am sure, will not
doubt that she has it.
The
gap in College is terrible. Already (and yet it is only a few days) I
have twice found myself setting aside a problem ‘to ask Benecke about
it’ and then realised with a pang that there is no more of that. His
image haunts every room in Magdalen. I hear his imagined voice again and
again: so vividly, when crossing Magdalen bridge this morning, that I
almost wondered if there were not some objective reality in the
experience. I can hardly explain how his funeral affected me. I have
heard that service read in that chapel so often for those who have not
believed a word of it and who (had they been alive) would have mocked,
that my feeling was almost one of relief. Here at last was a dead
man not unworthy of the service. In some queer way it enormously
strengthened my faith, and before we filed out of chapel I really felt
(do not misunderstand me) a kind of joy—a feeling that all was well,
just as well as it could be.
I
count it among my great good fortunes to have known him. As far as
human eyes can judge he was—is—a saint: but oh!, we still needed him
here so very badly.
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